Somewhat In Between
by Delysia
Summary: Set after Shift into Turbo. A Kimberly Hart story. She doesn't drink strawberry smoothies anymore.
1. One: Not Quite the Beginning

**Somewhat In Between  
**

_A/N: So something a little (or very) different from my usual style. It's a bit of an exploration of how people go from point A to point B and all the meandering and messed up choices along way. Also different is that I have all three parts of this finished ahead of time. No worries about me abandoning this like so many of my others. As always- reviews are love.~Del~_

Edited to add: hates my formatting. Think I finally have it worked out. Cross your fingers.  


**_Set after Shift into Turbo_**

**_A Kimberly Hart story. She doesn't drink strawberry smoothies anymore._**

~l~l~

**Part One: Not Quite the Beginning**

Nothing is the same after Muranthis. The air seems dirtier and her throat feels smaller.

~l~l~

Jason comes back different. He stops sleeping on her floor and gets an apartment and a crappy job. Gets into fights that don't make a difference and Kim becomes a pro at applying peroxide and bandages to his broken skin.

He always apologizes after. Confesses as if Kimberly alone can grant him absolution.

"I am just so angry," he says.

"I keep having nightmares," he says.

"Stay," he says.

And so she does.

~l~l~

They sleep together on a Thursday night.

It's a mistake.

She beats the rain home and makes it to the bathroom just in time. She spends the rest of the night heaving into the toilet.

He called her beautiful.

~l~l~

Kim can't take it back. She can't undo it. Can't blame it on some spell or monster that Zedd sent down.

So she does the next best thing- pretends it never happened.

Jason doesn't play along. Keeps calling. Leaves messages like breadcrumbs. Recruits Trini, who makes a transatlantic phone call that Kimberly refuses to answer.

Finally he shows up, rain soaked and pleading. Kim listens from the hall as her roommate lies for her. Tells him that she is sick.

~l~l~

The guilt wakes her up at three am. She does two hundred sit ups and then moves on to planks. Maybe it's not such a lie after all.

~l~l~

At the Pan Global Games National Trials, she places 8th. They put her on the team anyway. She has a story that sends reporters clamoring (they have taken to calling her the Cinderella of the Beam) and all- American girl appeal and the NGO is suffering for want of both. Bela has his doubts but Schmidt insists she is worth the risk. Worse comes to worse she can specialize- her beam is fantastic.

When she goes, she doesn't leave a note. Learned that lesson already- pen and paper causes pain. Figures that Jason knows or will know or will stop by at some point. Her roommate can break the news. Tasha always did think he was cute.

She boards a plane for Colorado and doesn't take a single article of pink clothing with her. Leaves the bear Tommy bought her behind for good measure.

~l~l~

"I can't believe they put her on the team."

Kim hears the word specialist in sharp, hushed whispers. Like hell. She didn't give up her whole world for one event.

Training becomes her everything. She trades her smoothies in for water, water, water and vaguely worries about turning into a fish. Scales and eyes that can never see what's right in front of her. Rita would just love to do something like that.

She gets faster, stronger.

The air in Denver is cleaner. The air in Denver is thinner.

It's not the only thing that is.

~l~l~

The team places 4t h but she brings home gold for the beam. For a split second, after the scores are announced, she has to remind herself to smile. Remind herself to be happy. This is a dream come true after all.

Then she smiles for so long that she feels like her face may split in two. There are way too many cameras in the world.

~l~l~

Trini is in her hotel room when Kimberly finally gets back from the endless stream of interviews. She hugs Kim, wrapping her up in arms that _know _and, for a fraction of a second, there is nothing to battle. Kim can still be who she was before.

"You were amazing," Trini says and the bubble pops. Pin pricked with words.

"Oh god!" Kim swats at her and feels a blush crawl up her neck.

Trini thinks it's because she is modest.

It's not. Shame shaped spots.

Trini asks to see the medal and admires it from where it hangs, resting on next to Kim's heart. This is what Kimberly gave up being a ranger for. For this, she sacrificed her friendships, her senior year, her family, her calling. It hangs like a millstone around her neck and Kim can't even remember why it was so important in the first place.

"See! What did I always tell you? If you believe in yourself and _anything_ is possible."

Except life doesn't allow do-overs no matter what you believe.

~l~l~

Trini dies a month later in a car accident at Kongens Nytorv square in Copenhagen. Her body is flown back to Angel Grove. Kim has no idea where the rest of her went.

~l~l~

Kimberly is supposed to sing at the funeral but can't get through it. Her voice cracks and breaks and so does the rest of her.

She rides with Adam from the cemetery. He is sweet and fills in the silences she lets linger too long with talk of the team and Justin.

"He's getting really good."

He is a child being used in a war but Kim doesn't say that. Doesn't say anything. Too busy battling down a familiar wave of nausea that tears through her as they turn down Maple. Memories regurgitate- how many times did she tear down that sidewalk on her way to collect Trini and Jason? Wonders if Mrs. Dober still lives in that yellow house next to the Kwans'- she could always be counted on to by at least two boxes of Angelette cookies. The city finally fixed the sidewalk, there is no longer that crack that sent Jason over the handlebars of his bike the spring of fifth grade.

"Stop the car, please." Retches out the door of his jeep. Spews forth the contents of her stomach until there is nothing left and she is choking on sobs.

Adam is there- guiding her steps over and around the bile on the grass. Settles her on the sidewalk, the same one that Trini and her used to decorate with chalk drawings of flowers and butterflies and hopscotch courses. Places a hand on her shoulder as she folds into herself and sits with her until Tommy arrives, his car sliding to as stop behind Adam's.

"Sorry. I didn't know who else I should call." Conversations over her bowed brown head.

"No, no. It's fine. Why don't you go on to the Kwans' ? Tell them we will be there in a bit." Still in leader mode, always in leader mode.

Adam's hand is replaced by something bigger, stronger, more familiar as she struggles to breathe. Sobs catch in her throat, strangles her with grief.

"Easy, Kim, easy." Rubs counter clockwise circles on her back. "It's okay. It's going to be okay." It's clearly not but she lets herself be engulfed in his touch, arms wrapping around her and creating a barrier between her and the rest of the world. "I've got you."

And she believes him.

~l~l~

Jason walks her home from the Kwans'. Guides her down the three block to his childhood home. Doesn't even try tucking her in a car and driving to the Angel Inn Motel. If he is still angry with her, he is trying like hell not to show it. Technically Kim is just stopping by to say hello to Mr. & Mrs. Scott but it's clear from the moment she enters that they have no plans on letting her stay anywhere else.

"It smells good," Kim says to Mrs. Scott, who beams over a simmering pot.

"Adam said you weren't feeling good so I asked Mom to whip you up some of that vegetable soup you love." Jason is kinder to her than she deserves. He sits on a stool at the island and Kim slides into the seat one down from him and tries not to remember that Trini always sat between them. Said they couldn't be trusted together. Turns out she was right.

"I wanted you to have something good to eat." Mrs. Scott's eyes tack on a silent appraisal that Kim knows she fails. "I know you always did like my soup."

Doesn't like- loves. Mrs. Scott always seemed to have it cooking on days when Kimberly needed it the most. On nights when she couldn't go home for fear of becoming another weapon in the endless arguing that filled her house. When she flunked the algebra test she spent all week studying for. When Bobby McCormick told everyone that she had made out with him in the back of his mustang when she hadn't done so much as hold his hand. Bowls ladled full with broth and vegetables and love and acceptance.

"You really didn't have to do that."

"No, I _wanted_ to do that," Mrs. Scott replies.

Kim eats three bowlfuls and doesn't even feel guilty.

~l~l~

**_To Be Continued..._**

_Next Part: Life after everything._


	2. Two: Almost the Middle

**Part Two: Almost the Middle**

After the funeral is over, Kimberly ends up living in L.A. with her dad and brother. She is tired of traveling and heartsick for something she can't define.

She wants and needs and hates everything.

Can't stay in Angel Grove, memories imprinted on every surface. Eyes always searching for a face that isn't there and never will be again.

She can't stay. She can't say goodbye either.

So she does what she does best and just goes.

~I~I~I~I~

Her dad is great, is good...is trying, at least. And he really is trying.

Kenny is still annoying. Bitches about her music and constantly drinks the last of the milk.

It's surprisingly normal being back with them. It's nice.

It's family at least, and she has been without for too long.

She tries not to think of her other family. Avoids the news like the plague- rangers and monsters and a chance to lose someone else.

Pretends like that was some other girl, some other life, and forces herself to forget about it. Forget about them.

It almost works, but not quite.

~I~I~I~I~

The condo is a three bedroom but still a little too small for the three of them. Her dad relocates his home office out of the guest room and into the dining room.

They learn to eat by balancing plates and bowls on their laps.

Kim knows somewhere her mom is having a heart attack at someone eating anywhere but at the table. Even more so about someone eating on that Italian leather sofa she loved so much. The one her dad just had to have as part of the divorce settlement.

More time spent bickering over furniture than her or her brother.

Kim spills ketchup on it and doesn't even feel guilty when she can't wipe the stain away.

~I~I~I~I~

Kim finds herself camping out on that sofa.

Can't sleep, not without dreaming of things she avoids thinking about.

Instead she huddles on the sofa in pjs and a blanket that still doesn't feel like hers. She keeps watching Disney movies and tries to pretend that she is ten again; back when Mary Poppins could make everything a little better.

Thinks it might actually be working, she might actually been digressing when after two weeks her father brings her home a stuffed penguin.

It used to be their thing. Her room a shrine to stuffed animals. The only way he knew to say he was sorry. The only way he dad knew to make her smile until she was fourteen and he discovered a credit card thrust into her hand and ride to the mall could work in equal measure.

"Kimmy, sweetpea..."

No, just no. Hugs the stuffed animal tight to her chest and tunes him out. Focuses on the screen, on Bert and Mr. Banks and a problems that are always solved in two hours and a song.

_You've got to grind, grind, grind at that grindstone..._

She is not ready for the real world.

Not yet anyway. Maybe never without _her_ in it.

~I~I~I~I~

In the end, her dad doesn't give Kim a choice.

He has set up a meeting with a some sort of public relation agent or something. Kim doesn't even have the strength to care. Just knows someone else will have to deal with the constant phone ringing. They can field and sift through all the endorsement deals that were left in limbo when she got that phone call. Her heart isn't strong enough right now to play phone tag and read fine print.

It's also not strong enough to battle her dad. Not when he is trying so damn hard.

He forces her to shower and do her hair and even takes her shopping for a new outfit to wear.

The stores are actually welcoming. Familiar and routine and all the same, even if they are different.

Kim buys three new outfits and actually manages to sleep that night.

~I~I~I~I~

They settle on a woman named Mikayla Jordan, who constantly dresses in black despite the summer heat, to represent her.. "GK Elite is still interested but you need to test first. Your prints are gorgeous but they want to see you on camera."

"Okay. I can do that. No problem."

Kimberly doesn't go straight home after the meeting. Instead, she signs up at a local gym and spend two hours on the equipment.

After all, the camera adds ten pounds.

~I~I~I~I~

The gym is cathartic and it's working. Kimberly wakes up at five a.m. and no longer wants to just roll back over and cry herself to sleep. She has a goal. For the first time since Trini's death she has a reason to get up in the morning.

Sweats until she is too exhausted to think.

~I~I~I~I~

The screen test goes horribly. Kimberly is stiff and uncomfortable the second she starts her first line.

They try coaching her through it. Remind her to relax and take a deep breath and pretend she is talking to her best friend.

Dark glossy hair and a mischievous smile flash in her mind and she can't shake it.

_Trini._

It gets worse from there. Kim keeps trying but every word grates. She can't get the tempo down, speaks too fast and then too slow. And if her smile looks forced, that's because it is.

"Okay, okay. Let's just call it a day and we will pick it later." Mikayla doesn't bother to specify when later is.

After, in the hall, an assistant passes Kimberly an envelope with a phone number and a name scribbled in Mrs. Jordan's neat scrawl written across the top.

_Alfonso Alveraz. Call him!_

~I~I~I~I~

Alfonso Alveraz turns out to be a graying middle aged man with a large nose and kind eyes. He introduces himself as an acting mentor- a coach, if you will.

Kim nods. Coaches she can handle.

"So today, Miss Hart, we begin your training. Tell me about who you are?"

She doesn't give him her name, he already knows it. Doesn't mention the Pan Global Games. Thinks before she speaks and still can't define who she is, not anymore, and the girl she was is long gone.

"Well, who do you want me to be?"

He smiles, his gray-blue eyes crinkling at the corners. "We are going to have some fun here."

He brings out the worst and best in her. Helps her channel those long-lingering childhood fears into art. Trains her to hold tight to pure moments of happiness as inspiration for a line. He opens up a world to her she never knew and she falls in love with it all. Masks can be her best friends. Turns out it's not that different than a lifetime spent pretending the world wasn't crumbling at her feet.

~I~I~I~I~

When she goes back into tape again for the screen test, the difference is striking.

"Kimberly, I don't know what to say. It's like you have been acting your whole life." Mikayla is clearly impressed with the improvement.

Kimberly just smiles. In a way, she has.

~I~I~I~I~

Kimberly lands the GK Elite account. Her hand instinctively dials seven digits before she stops herself and Kim can't believe she almost forgot. First time she has been truly happy since it happened and now guilt laps at her feet.

She contemplates calling _him _because she knows despite everything he would be so proud of her and he is always who she thinks of next. Really almost goes through with it but then can't, not after how she left it all between them.

Settles on calling Zack because Kim knows he will _get_ it, just having landed a steppingstone job of his own as an assistance teacher at The Edge Performing Arts Center in Hollywood. Not quiet everything he wanted but something. Something good and possible after a life that revolved around aliens, and the fate of the planet, and all the impossible being all too painfully real.

Calls him because she knows he will be happy for her, knows he will insist on dragging her to a club to celebrate, and knows that this once she will not tell him no.

Honestly she needs it. Needs a break and a chance to be eighteen. She feels too old most of the time.

"I got the account."

"For real?" Zack is legitimately excited for her and it brings a smile to her face.

"Yup," Kimberly even pops her the 'p' and it feels like surfacing, coming up for air.

"You are making the rest of us look bad. You know that, right?"

And she can't help but grin at his words. He is teaching at a convention in San Diego all weekend but they make plans to hang out the following Friday.

"Seriously, Kim, that is awesome. You should be really proud."

She actually is. Raids her brother's stash of Ben and Jerry's to celebrate.

~I~I~I~I~

Kim wakes up at two am to the sinking realization that she still has to actually shoot the campaign. Has to be on camera. Flaws on display. Her stomach feels full and gross.

She can't do this. Doesn't know who she is fooling.

She is going to choke again. It's going to just be like that first test run in Mikayla's office. Her tripping over words, sweaty, and fumbling.

Feels sick and queasy and over her head. Pads on hurried feet to the bathroom and stays there, head hunched over the toilet, until she is empty.

Brushes her teeth and vows never to eat so close to bed again, to never eat that much ice cream in one sitting.

Pretends that is the real problem. Ignores her own reflection in the mirror.

Just a case of too much sugar too close to bed.

That's it. Too much, too soon.

~I~I~I~I~

Kim doesn't know her way around Santa Monica and Wilco playing is enough of a draw to make parking impossible within four blocks of Harvelle's She arrives 40 minutes late and frustrated. Searches for Zack as she enters but the smoke and lack of light isn't helping.

"Hey, Kimberly."

There is a hand on her shoulder and she instinctively stiffens. Turns and stiffens more.

"Tommy? What are you doing here?" Blinks twice but he doesn't vanish.

"Meeting you." He has to yell over the warm up act to be heard, bending close, his breath in her ear.

"What?"

Their conversation dissolves into nothingness, all shouted words and half missed syllables trying to communicate over the din. Finally he switches tactics and tugs on her hand gently once, twice before making his way through the crowd towards the back. And she follows him because she always has.

~I~I~I~I~

Of course, it is all Zack's doing. He grins like a mad man, popping up from behind Rocky and Adam to shout "surprise" at her.

Tommy, for his part, tries not to look overly embarrassed for Kim. "I swear he told me you knew we were coming." Wonders if this is what they have become, permission slips to hang out.

No, it's great." Paints on a smile "It is so good to see you guys." She hugs Rocky's side and offers Adam a wave. Waits for the rush of happiness at their presence but the wave doesn't come, leaving her to wade in shallow waters.

"Zack told Tommy about the ad and then Tommy told us," Adam gestures to himself and Rocky. "We thought we could come celebrate with you."

"Aww! You guys are too sweet." They really are. Doesn't ask about the others. Won't because she knows even this is better than she deserves.

They hang out too long on the patio so that by the time they return all Kim's vantage allows her are glimpses of the stage through the sea of heads in front of her. She loves Wilco but honestly doesn't mind. She is here to listen.

The show is great and long and perfect. By the time they play _Say You Miss Me_ Kim is leaning against Tommy, head resting back on his gray covered chest. No more red, no more white, and green is all but a memory. Wonders if he misses it all or if he is grateful for the break. Not quiet sure if she was or is, so she doesn't asks. Just closes her eyes and listens as they both sing along.

_Well I've been mixed up, since the breakup. Why I need you to say, well everything's okay..._

_..._

**To Be Continued...**

_A\N: One part left. Things get better, then worse, and then it all goes to hell. You know the drill. Reviews make my day and immense amounts of happiness. Short or long they mean so much so please let me know your thoughts. Kim is on a slippery slope and she can't even see the hill. **Readers are powerful. Reviews are love.** ~ Del~_

_..._


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